I want to find Him.

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Last thursday as I was still in the city where I live with my boyfriend because we both attend college there, he who was already out of town since monday, called me and asked me if I would like to go to a jazz concert with him. Of course I said yes and so I packed my cloth, ready to head home the next day. About half an hour later one of my friends who was one of the people I sent a letter to asked me if I would like to go to a musical with her. Now, you probabely don't know this about me but I'm absolutely not crazy about musicals. In fact I try to avoid them because watching them makes me feel all antsy and cranky.

The reason why I had to refuse the invitation was because I already promised my boyfriend to go to the concert. What I didn't know by then was that he'd call me an hour later and would cancel the date with me bcause he wanted to visit his grandma at hospital instead.

Before he called me I was on facebook and saw that the girlfriend who wanted me to come to the musical had also sent me an invitation on facebook. As I quickly read through the description of the musical on facebook and their website I discovered it was a musical written by a YWAM group touring through Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

YWAM stands for Youth with a mission. It is an international volunteer movement of Christians from many backgrounds, cultures and Christian traditions, dedicated to serving Jesus throughout the world. Young adults from all around the world attend a discipleship training school (DTS) for 6 months. In the first 3 months they mainly concentrate on studying the bible and deepening their personal relationship with God. In this phase every attendant chooses to focus on one artistic discipline – dancing, singing or acting. Within the first 3 months they also get trained in the discipline they chose. After the first phase they are sent on a mission to Korea (so called outreach time). After that they go on tour to perform their own musical in churches in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Written, directed and performed on and by their own.

Their last destination was Salzburg where I originally come from. They performed in a fellowship baptist church. And although, according to my religious denomination, I'm a catholic I was welcomed with open arms. While this may sound corny it was one of the most heartwarming and personal experiences I've probabely ever made.

The invitation to this musical came just in time. I've been searching for a way to deepen my relationship with God for quite some time now. Two years ago I began struggling with the way most catholics think they have to act to be close to God. So I began thinking about attending a religious or spiritual group or even changing my denomination. I felt like this was the only way how I would be able to learn more about my relationship with God. I did try it on my own but I knew it would be greater if I acutally had someone to share this experience with and who would understand me and might even feel the same way.

There do exist serveral religious groups but I knew from experience that most of them or particularly those in my area are mostly attended by fundamentalistic hypocritical people. I'm sure you all know the saying about those who in church say amen the loudest. This is what I mean when I talk about hypocritical people. Fundamentalistic people is what I would describe as someone who judges someone by their religious or spiritual belief. Someone who strongly thinks only he/she will be able to go to heaven when in reality all of those who act kind and lovingly do (at least that's what I believe). Who don't judge and exclude someone because they might not believe in God the way they do.

The wish to be able to communicate my love to God with someone grew stronger and stronger and with time I became more desperate because I didn't seem to find anyone who understands me.

When all of the sudden this girlfriend of mine asked me if I would like to come to this musical. She really asked me out of the blue. Which led to me asking her why she thought of me of all people? Until then I thought we never really talked about what I believe in. She then told me that when I sent her the letter I also included a little question. I was curious about her denomination. About the way she worships God. So I asked her to tell me a little bit about it.

After she recieved this letter she thought it was clear sign she had to invite me to the musical.

And after I refused the invitation she prayed that I somehow would be able to come after all. And fortunately I did.

The musical itself was absolutely nothing like what I expected. It was written and performed with heart. Filled with creativity. It contained of bits of authentic soul, hip hop (which I normally hate), dancing, great acting and an inspirational story. And after that we spent another two hours chatting with the performers, we had a great time getting to know each other a little bit. We mainly communicated in english because of the different cultural background. It was an exchange of inspiration.

Now I know that you can't lump everyone together. You can't say that all of those people were better than the ones attending the movement I try to avoid. And you also can't say that all of those people attending the said movement are fundamental and/or hyprocritical. Please don't get me wrong on that.

But what I can say is that I loved it. I really did. I enjoyed it. And I'm so thankful that God gave me this opportunity, that He used my friend. That He heard me and wants to give me the chance to really begin getting to know Him and my spiritual soul. 

I got to admit, that until now I didn't feel comfortable talking about my faith. It felt weird talking about something I really know little about. I didn't feel comfortable acting like I know what I was talking about and acting like I felt confident with my belief when in reality I struggled with that. Seeing a lot of people around me being confident in their relationship with God, knowing and having complete strenght in their faith. I had nothing compared to those people who seemed to me like someone who clearly knows what's going on. 

But at the same time I also felt uncomfortable talking about my faith so freely because I was afraid people would misunderstand me and interpret my writing/talking as fundamental (I really don't if this makes sense to anyone out there).

I always believed in God.

And I do still feel a little bit uncomfortable when talking about Him and my faith.

But I hope that He will continue to lead me and the people around me to get to know Him better.